Well, I think it's nice. Short, but seems complete, and would definitely make a good song.

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"The rain falls on the righteous and the wicked and mine is not to reason why this is...in this I rest in this I find my refuge that my thoughts and ways are not His..."

Thanks. ^_^

The concept this piece portrays is one that has a lot of potential to build up on; I think you could develop this into quite an expressive piece.

So here's the deal:

Lines 2 & 3 contain the main concept you portray in this piece, so I would strongly advise you work the rest around that. But it needs to be backed up with more imagery, let the reader see what you feel. Ask yourself, what does the beach signify to you? What other details can you give us about the "beach scene" that relate to this person in your mind? Why did you choose this theme to represent this person? Are there characteristics in him/her that make you think of the beach/water/sand etc?

Also, notice that in lines 2 & 3, you've represented this person as if they were the beach/breeze/sand, however you start the piece in line 1 taking away from this image by saying your land which implies property of the beach rather than your feeling of them being the beach; you get it.

Line 5 is detached from what you have said so far; we can't tell why there is a sudden reference to tears, fill in the blanks for us, show us something that helps us connect why there are tears in response to the beach/person's calling? You don't need to give us a detailed background story, but some clues, some glimpses into what the issue is can help us build up to the tears.

line 6: When every stream and river leads this way

What way? to the ocean? aren't you already there? And how does this relate to the previous image of the beach/person Calling? We still haven't been shown what/where/why you are being called to, so perhaps this line could do with an overhaul.

Also, the grammar here needs revision; you start with when - nouns - verb (leads--present tense), and either leave the thought incomplete regarding where the stream leads you, OR you have answered with an incorrect past tense in Things were different.

When you try to think of an "image" to express an idea, don't take shortcuts by using phrases that are popular (aka cliches), take the time to ask yourself how the idea creates itself in your imagination, and make your best effort to draw that out.

For example, in lines 7 & 8, consider other ways you could show us the thought of that "other summer day", and also, of how things were different and carefree?

The "but" in line 9 only adds to the confusion of that phrase, since we still don't know what it was all about in line 5, as I've mentioned. I realize you want the repetition in there for the "sing-iness", but make sure it follows a logical thought process.

Like I said, you can draw out so much from what you've started in lines 2 & 3, try writing down a baby "plot" of the points you want to bring across to the readers (something like, "I feel he is the beach, he's calling me to [...] and it makes me think of [...] and even though [...], i cry"), and then focus on how to express them with images that reflect those thoughts for you!

I hope you find these suggestions helpful; it can be a lot of work but I'm sure you will enjoy the results!



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We crash landed on an uncharted island.